Home Security Tips

from "The Onion"

With the exception of your children, your home is your most precious possession. Here are some tips to help keep it safe from would-be intruders:

• If you spot a minority in your gated community who is not holding a leafblower or other lawn-care device, call your local police immediately.
  
• When going on vacation, be sure to leave the oven on. This will fool people into thinking you are home.
  
• When a suspicious stranger knocks at your door, reply in a falsetto voice, "Ain't nobody here but us chickens."
  
• Leave a glass of milk and plate of cookies on kitchen table with a note reading "For burglars." Poison the cookies.
  
• The best way to prevent burglary is to avoid keeping valuables lying around. Leave your six-bedroom mansion unfurnished, then shower, sleep and change clothes at the YMCA only.
  
• Surround your house with an impenetrable labyrinth of enchanted briars.
  
• Make your home unappealing to burglars by smearing windows and doors with your own feces.
  
• If a stranger rings your doorbell, only talk to him if you have a handgun jammed down his throat.
  
• Keep several cauldrons of boiling oil on your ramparts at all times.
  
• Before going to bed, spread broken glass on your floors. Use a ratio of one pound for every five square feet, and leave yourself a path to the bathroom.
  
• Rig your home with an electronic timer to randomly switch lights on and off every 15 seconds.
  
• Place a large, highly visible "No Radio" sign in the front window of your home.
  
• Kids should never tell a stranger who calls that they are home alone. Have them say, "Mom and dad are too busy fucking to come to the phone."
  
• If you accidentally shoot a neighbor you mistake for a burglar, drag him inside and get his prints on a steak knife.
  
• Keep your wife's expensive jewelry hidden deep within her anal column.
  
• A handgun is of no use unless it is easily accessible in an emergency. Make sure your spouse and children know where it is at all times.
  
• Protect your prized Precious Moments figurines with an elaborate network of lasers.
• Pile valuables in center of living-room floor. Sit on pile holding double-barreled shotgun. Do not sleep.