In the grand tradition of Failblog.org and Icanhazcheezburger.com, we now have "There, I Fixed it." Each person must decide for themselves, is this a grand example of MacGyver like genius? A "think outside the box" mentality that showcases people who make do with simple implements to fix problems? Or is this MacGruber like FAIL, with people that just can't be bothered to do something more than half-assed?
http://thereifixedit.com
Monday, June 29, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Ultimate Fight Part 2: better looking than Fedor
I'd posted earlier about Fedor Emelianenko, who appeared on Sport Science and ended up choking out the host in 4 seconds. Apparently, they're either paying him a lot of money, or he's not that bright, or he's really hard up for some human contact. Wanting to see the softer side of MMA, Sport Science has Gina Carano on. While not as strong as the Last Emperor, she is definitely better looking, and it doesn't matter - she's exponentially still stronger than me and would whup my ass. She ends up taking a little bit longer in choking out John Brinkus, the host, (8 seconds), but it's well worth it to see him earn his paycheck at the 5:09 mark.
What's next on Sport Science, letting Anderson Silva knee him in the face?
What's next on Sport Science, letting Anderson Silva knee him in the face?
As seen on CraigsList
A friend of mine showed me this ad from CraigsList today. It was just too good, and by too good, I mean hilarious. I would summarize it, but I'll let it speak for itself. Bolding is done for emphasis by me.
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT
My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.
Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.
Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.
This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
Actor needed for emotional role – One day high pay
Date: 2009-04-17, 12:52PM EDT
My deceased aunt gave my two kids a Cocker Spaniel a few months back. The dog has been a terror and become overwhelming for me. I am a single father raising two young children. I cannot face telling the kids that the dog must go. I have found a good home for the dog, and just need someone to transport the dog, and play the villain.
Premise: You will be the dog walker hired by daddy (me) to walk Skittles. I will introduce you to the kids, and you will tell them you are going to help Skittles get her exercise when Daddy is too busy to walk her. At that point you will walk Skittles to your car and take her to her new family 20 minutes from my place. Then return holding just a leash. The story will be that Skittles broke free of the leash and took off. At this point prepare for crying, things being thrown at you, and possibly cursing. My kids are young and dramatic, their girls.
Pay will be $500. The job will take roughly 2 hours at best.
This job is ideal for an actor looking to diversify their role base, or someone who genuinely likes to make children cry. Acting experience is a plus, but not necessary. Please inform me of any prior experience in this kind of situation.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Cracked.com: Most Badass Presidents
Whatever you were looking for from Election 2008, I think one question that always eludes the debates, is "How badass are you?" And since facebook has not yet produced a quiz (oh wait, they have) that the candidates have taken, cracked.com has compiled a list of the 5 Most Badass previous leaders of the free world to emulate.
And with all due respect to cracked.com, I have decided to include their post, for the few readers (what's few members of a few population called?) who are reading this at work, and can't necessarily cruise over to the original article.
And with all due respect to cracked.com, I have decided to include their post, for the few readers (what's few members of a few population called?) who are reading this at work, and can't necessarily cruise over to the original article.
The 5 Most Badass Presidents of All-Time
As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats.
Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?
#5.
Andrew Jackson
When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew "Old Hickory" Jackson was running. If you're wondering how a guy we're calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it's because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you're wondering why he did that, it's because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his "habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions." Or in other words, the man was a loose canon--17th Century Washigton's answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn't have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.How do we know? Well, despite everyone's best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn't busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven't been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100's, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is strying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn't important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We're gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that's why his face isn't on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson's body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of "time not dueling," Jackson's least favorite category.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Andrew Jackson was the first president on whom an assassination attempt was made. A man named Richard Lawrence approached Jackson with two pistols both of which, for some reason, misfired. With the possibility of an assassination taken off the table, Jackson proceeded to beat Lawrence near death with his cane until Jackson's aides pulled him off the assassin.
The guns were inspected afterwards and it was discovered that they were in perfect working order, leading some historians to believe that it was an odds-defying "miracle" that Jackson survived, while we're pretty sure that the bullets, like everyone else, were simply scared of Jackson.
Most Badass Quote:
"I have only two regrets: I didn't shoot Henry Clay and I didn't hang John C. Calhoun."
That's right. In a life rich with murdering people for little-to-no reason, Jackson's only regret was that he didn't kill quite enough people. People like Calhoun who, it should be noted, was Jackson's vice president.
#4.
John F Kennedy
Nowadays, John F. Kennedy is remembered mostly for getting shot in the head which, while admittedly badass, barely makes the top ten of badass things he's ever done. Plagued with a bad back his entire life, Kennedy was disqualified from service in the army. Instead of using this as an excuse to pursue the decidedly more sane strategy of staying the fuck away from explody things, Kennedy had his dad pull a few strings so he could sneak his way into the navy, where he eventually became a lieutenant. Just to get some perspective, Bill Clinton dodged the draft, Grover Cleveland paid someone else to go in his place when he was drafted, but Kennedy beat the system by forcing his way into the navy. Once there he handled himself like a gravel eating shit-miner, instead of the rich Boston pretty boy he actually was.
Today, he's got his own damned aircraft carrier named after him.
Upon leaving the Navy, he took up boning on a near full-time basis. Sure, he dabbled in being a Senator and a President or whatever, but his full-time job was Pimping. In fact, if boning-your-girlfriend-right-in-front-of-you was a business, you can bet your cuckolded ass that Kennedy would have been its District Manager.
While almost no two sources are in agreement as to just how much tail Kennedy snagged, historian John Richard Stephens says that "Kennedy confided with friends that he could only be satisfied with three women a day." It's amazing that, with all this boning, Kennedy didn't lose focus and make any colossal screw-ups while in office, and-...What? Bay of what? Moving on.
JFK's sexual conquests allegedly include Marilyn Monroe, Audrey Hepburn, Jayne Mansfield, Angie Dickenson, Brazilian actress Florinda Bolkan, famous burlesque stripper, and rap name pioneer Blaze Starr. There are even rumors that he also had sex with his insanely hot wife once in a while too.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
In August of 1943, while serving as skipper of the PT-109, Kennedy's boat was ripped in two by the Japanese destroyer Amagiri. Kennedy and his crew were tossed into the water and surrounded by flames. Kennedy, despite a chronic back injury and an even more chronic boning-induced-exhaustion, managed to swim four hours to safety while towing an injured crewman by the life jacket strap with his teeth. His fucking teeth!
Most Badass Quote:
"Jack could be shameless in his sexuality, simply pull girls' dresses up and so forth. He would corner them at White House dinner parties and ask them to step into the next room away from the noise, where they could hold a 'serious discussion.'"
That quote comes from Kennedy's closest friend, Lem Billings. For proof that you will never be as badass and pimpsational as Kennedy, go ahead and try that "Hey baby, let's go have a serious discussion" line on any girl and then come back and tell us how much sex you didn't have.
#3.
John Quincy Adams
John Quincy Adams is, hands down, one of the most God awful ugly-assed presidents in American history but, well, the Predator was pretty hideous too, and no one will deny that he still kicks a fairly serious amount of ass. Also like the Predator, Adams was known as a shrewd negotiator and a strong advocate of outdoor boning. But we'll get to that a little bit later.
With his father away from home most of the time busying himself with the rebel cause, Adams, at age eight, was the man of the house. As if ensuring the safety and prosperity of an entire house before you even hit puberty isn't daunting enough, Adams had to do it all during a fucking war. He, in fact, often talked about watching the battle of Bunker Hill from his front porch, constantly worried about being, as he wrote in his diary, "butchered in cold blood, or taken and carried...as hostages by any foraging or marauding detachment of British soldiers." Remember when you were eight and you worried about missing Pokemon? Yeah. If you're feeling, perhaps, a little wet right now, it's because the ghost of an eight year old John Quincy Adams is pissing all over you as you read this.
Adams also maintained a strict, Rocky-like regiment of constant exercise that included a swift swim across the Potomac every morning. Even at 58 years old, Adams could reportedly swim the width of the Potomac in an hour. Also, the nudity; Adams famously exercised and swam nude, presumably, in case he ever came across some emergency that needed immediate boning while out exercising.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Also, since we're talking about ridiculous things that JQA did that have nothing to do with being president, he kept a pet alligator in the East Wing of the White House. That actually probably came in handy for some of that shrewd negotiating we mentioned earlier.
As for the outdoor boning? Well ...
Most Badass Quote:
"The art of making love, muffled up in furs, in the open air, with the thermometer at Zero, is a Yankee invention."
It's not too clear, but it sounds like Adams genuinely believed Americans invented having sex outside, a discovery he no-doubt believed he himself pioneered.
#2.
George Washington
Plenty of people know George Washington as the father of our country, but few people know, (and this is, perhaps, more important), just how similar he was in behavior to the Incredible Hulk. Stay with us.
As described by Thomas Jefferson, George Washington "was naturally irritable" and when his temper "broke its bonds, he was most tremendous in his wrath." One time, in fact, he became "much inflamed [and] got into one of those passions when he cannot command himself." Witnesses agreed that, after these sudden bursts of rage, Washington generally became calm and amiable again. Sound like anyone you know? Anyone, incredible, perhaps? (It's the Incredible Hulk.) The Iroquois Indians affectionately nicknamed Washington "Caunotaucarius," which translates to either "Town Destroyer" or "Devourer of Villages." We were really hoping it translated to "One Who, (When Angry), You Will Not Like" so we'd have more evidence for this whole Incredible Hulk thing, but "Town Destroyer" is pretty cool too, we guess.
Washington wasn't just a shirt-ripping comic book character waiting to happen, he was also an amazing general and, possibly, totally invincible. Washington was always at the frontlines in any of the many battles he took part in and there are countless stories of Washington returning from battle with bullet holes in his uniform, or without a horse, (it having been shot from under him), but he always remained unharmed. As a general, he believed, (like the always-screaming Leonidas), in the strength of small numbers. Typically both a loner and rebel, Washington preferred a small band of dedicated warriors over large armies any day of the week and he won plenty of battles when the odds were decidedly not in his favor. He once wrote that "Discipline is the soul of an army. It makes small numbers formidable; procures success to the weak, and esteem to all."
Though that isn't quite as catchy as "This is Sparta!" you'll have to agree that it's slightly more eloquent and certainly more recyclable, as it is more applicable to situations that may not explicitly involve Sparta.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
Making America.
Most Badass Quote:
After another tough battle where Washington was miraculously not wounded, he wrote a letter to his brother detailing his experiences. He described being surrounded by bullets and death and concluded by saying "I heard the bullets whistle and, believe me, there is something charming to the sound of bullets." When he caught news of this, King George III reportedly remarked that Washington's attitude would change if he'd heard a few more. But King George III didn't win the war, so fuck him.
#1.
Theodore Roosevelt
Checking Teddy Roosevelt's resume is like reading a How-To guide on ass-kicking manliness. He was a cattle rancher, a deputy sheriff, an explorer, a police commissioner, the assistant Secretary of the Navy, the governor of New York, and a war hero. Out of all of his jobs, hobbies and passions, Roosevelt always had a special spot in his heart for unadulterated violence. In 1898, Roosevelt formed the first U.S. Volunteer Cavalry Regiment, known as the Rough Riders. Most people already know of the Rough Riders and their historic charge up San Juan Hill, but few know that, since their horses had to be left behind, the Riders made this charge entirely on foot. You just could not stop this man from violencing the hell out of a San Juan Hill.
And don't think that Roosevelt lost his obsession with violence when he became president, or he might just come back from the dead and murder you, (and how do you kill a Teddy Roosevelt that's already dead!?!). He strolled through the White House with a pistol on his person at all times, though, with his black belt in jujitsu and his history as a champion boxer, it wasn't like he really needed it.
It wasn't just his war record or the fact that he knew several different ways to kill you that made Roosevelt such a badass. It wasn't even the fact that he kept a bear and a lion at the White House as pets, (though that certainly helps). Teddy Roosevelt was a badass of the people. Roosevelt received letters from army cavalrymen complaining about having to ride 25 miles a day for training and, in response, Teddy rode horseback for 100 miles, from sunrise to sunset, at 51 years old, effectively rescinding anyone's right to complain about anything, ever again.
Did we mention he had asthma growing up? He did, and after he beat asthma to death, he ate asthma's raw flesh and ran 100 straight miles off the energy it gave him.
Greatest Display of Badassedry:
While campaigning for a third term, Roosevelt was shot by a madman and, instead of treating the wound, delivered his campaign speech with the bleeding, undressed bullet hole in his chest. On the other end of the spectrum, reasons why certain members of the Cracked Editorial Staff have called out of work over the last year include:
"A cold."
"A stubbed toe."
"It's raining."
"There's a spider near the door."
Most Badass Quote:
This quote actually comes from a fellow politician at the time of Roosevelt's death: "Death had to take him sleeping, for if Roosevelt had been awake there would have been a fight." We have no witty commentary for that. That is just straight up badass.
The last thing you saw before a brutal ass-kicking
Friday, June 19, 2009
Transformers: Revenge of Editing Room
Here's one that won't be in the movie. I'm guessing that it was edited for time.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
UNCOVERED TORTURE DOCUMENTS!
Just found these....and I thought the United States was better than this... :)
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I, for one, welcome our future robot overlords...
This was just showcased at a tech expo. Now it appears to be a company specific all appliance version of the Microsoft Surface (which I totally want).
Although it will probably precede the future overtaking of Earth by Skynet or Cylons, I welcome the advancement. Because it would be sweet.
Although it will probably precede the future overtaking of Earth by Skynet or Cylons, I welcome the advancement. Because it would be sweet.
Friday, June 12, 2009
You ever notice how some things seem the same?
Text-only - Drug-dealers vs software developers
| Drug dealers | Software developers |
| Refer to their clients as "users". | Refer to their clients as "users". |
| "The first one's free!" | "Download a free trial version..." |
| Have important South-East Asian connections (to help move the stuff). | Have important South-East Asian connections (to help debug the code). |
| Strange jargon: | Strange jargon: |
| Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. | Realize that there's tons of cash in the 14- to 25-year-old market. |
| Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, more potent mixes. | Job is assisted by industry's producing newer, faster machines. |
| Often seen in the company of pimps and hustlers. | Often seen in the company of marketing people and venture capitalists (same thing). |
| Their product causes unhealthy addictions. | DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D. 'Nuff said. |
| Do your job well, and you can sleep with sexy movie stars who depend on you. | Damn! Damn! DAMN!!! |
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Best Friends
You can't really state that your best friends with someone. You know, until you can say you're willing to be a mother lover. Andy Samberg and Timberlake do it again...and there's nothing more I need to say about that...
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Twitter overload
Is anyone else suffering through Twitter overload? It seems like everywhere, people and organizations are saying follow us on twitter. Is it really that important to know what someone is thinking at that exact moment that can only be expressed in 140 characters or less? Isn't it infinitely more useful to follow someone's thoughts through an unlimited number of characters, embedded videos, and pasted links? I suppose you can't fault Jack Dorsey for creating it, as it appeared to be the inevitable evolution of our society. To take it to the next level, Conan O'Brien and the Tonight Show have to chip in.
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
Do you have a phobia of hospitals or doctors?
Well you should. And if you don't, cracked.com has decided to give you that particular phobia. Here is "The 6 Most Terrifying Medical Malpractice Cases Ever". And with all due respect to cracked.com, I have decided to include their post, for the few readers (what's few members of a few population called?) who are reading this at work, and can't necessarily cruise over to the original article.
The list needs no commentary from me, the original is better than I could have come up with. So, without further adieu...
-----------------------------------
The 6 Most Terrifying Medical Malpractice Cases Ever
By Ian Fortey June 4, 2009 11,420 views
Any trip to the doctor's office involves a fairly straightforward trade off: you hand over your personal safety to the guy who went to school for eight years, and they fix something that you wouldn't have the first clue how to do yourself. But as in every profession, some doctors are better than others, and even good doctors have bad days.
And then, there are those doctors who go out of their way to find creative ways to make the world a terrifying place.
#6. "Sir, I'm afraid we inadvertently obliterated your penis."
A patient named William Morrison underwent a screening that required his penis be washed in a solution of three to five percent acetic acid. Sure, just typing the words "acid" and "penis" in the same sentence makes us cringe. But that doesn't mean anything could possibly go wrong there, right? Hell, a three to five percent solution probably feels kind of tingly and refreshing, like when you wash your sack in a bowl of ginger ale.
When it came time actually wash his wang, however, Mr. Morrison got a 72 percent solution, which is a little more like having your dick immersed in a piranha's mouth, after it's been drinking 72 percent acid.
But that's a one-in-a-million scenario, right? Surely health care professionals normally take way more care when a man's dong is on the line.
Not in the case of Mexican doctor, Francisco Javier Valentin y Ortiz who, despite having a wicked matador name, was not great with sharp objects, and cut off a patient's penis during a routine circumcision. We like to think Dr. Ortiz muttered "Oh geez," scratched his head then tried to put the severed penis into the patient's ballsack, kind of like a tulip in a vase, in the hopes the guy wouldn't notice.
But those two are cases are only runners up in the medical world's penis mutilation Olympics. Our gold medalist is Romanian doctor, Naum Ciomu. He separated himself from the pack when he was performing an operation to correct some poor dude's weird, bulgy nutsack. Due to the various stresses of being a guy who has to perform delicate surgeries on weird, bulgy nutsacks all day, he lost his shit and cut off the patient's dick with a scalpel, put it on the operating table and furiously hacked it into tiny pieces in front of the nursing staff. They were apparently too busy trying to think of a more succinct way to say "What the fuck is going on?" to stop him.
Ciomu said he had a temporary loss of judgment, due to some personal problems. You know, kind of like how you get really mad sometimes and punch a wall. It was like that, only he hacked a man's penis to confetti. He ended up having his license suspended and he was ordered to pay the patient 120,000 pounds while the patient got a shiny new non-functional wang made from arm skin.
#5. Sexual Healing
Mental health can be a tricky subject. For instance, if you see a psychiatrist, the first task is making sure they're not crazier than you are. One way to tell is if the psychiatrist, for instance, demands that you start calling them "mother."
Which brings us to Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, Margaret Bean-Bayog, whose last name is lesser known slang for burrito-induced Montezuma's revenge. She was treating a student at the school who came to her because he was feeling lonely. According to the good doctor, the patient had suffered severe childhood abuse and was now hooked on drugs and alcohol as well as dealing with overwhelming anxiety, rage and sociopathic tendencies. That was strange, because no previous doctor had managed to detect any of these things in the poor kid.
The course of treatment was exactly what you'd suspect given the young man's poor mental health: several thousand pages of sadomasochistic fantasies written by the doctor, and an extensive effort to brainwash him into believing he was a child and that the doctor was his mother.
The doctor wrote flash cards for her patient with instructions to read them 10 times a day until he believed them, chock full of important mental health slogans like "I'm your Mom and I love you and you love me very very much." Presumably other cards read "Fill you anus with applesauce and learn kung fu" and "Every episode of House follows the same pattern... because of Jews."
Hey, did we mention that the rest of her medical advice amounted to "let me use your boner like a carnival ride"?
The patient's family filed suit against the doctor after the patient killed himself. And while the doctor conceded her treatment was "unconventional," she denied she did anything wrong. Presumably she then shat in a coffee cup and accused it of spying on her.
#4. Vagina Reconstruction, of the Involuntary Variety
If a doctor ever promises to turn you and others into "horny little mice," you should probably just go home and take some Tylenol instead of spending any additional time with him. However, it seems a lot of people turned a blind eye to Dr. James Burt for a number of years, allowing him to perform reconstructive surgery on women's vaginas--which probably sounds like a perfectly normal thing for a doctor to do... until you realize the women didn't ask him to do it.
Burt even wrote a book called The Surgery of Love, in 1975, about the operations he performed on many women--without their consent. He was at least thoughtful enough to do it after the birth of children so he could explain away the stitches as a result of the delivery.
While he had them on the table he would tinker around with their anatomy, removing some things, even repositioning the vagina, urethra and alter the walls between the vagina and rectum in order to "increase sexual responsiveness." Again, why no one stopped him while he was cutting and probably muttering things like, "you're welcome, Mommy" is anyone's guess. Apparently if you're wearing surgical scrubs everybody just assumes you're on the level.
More often than not, the unwanted surgeries caused extensive damages and required additional surgeries to correct the problems. Twelve malpractice suits against the doctor were dropped over the years when other doctors he worked with refused to testify against him, presumably convincing the man his Frankenvaginas were totally kosher.
It's claimed he performed the procedure on around 2,000 women and when the Ohio State Medical Board finally caught up with him, they made him voluntarily surrender his license , a punishment which is known in legal circles as "bullshit."
#3. Group Therapy for 120 Personalities
If you're a Hollywood screenwriter, or a horrible, horrible doctor, the most convenient of all mental disorders is multiple personality disorder. In Wisconsin, psychiatrist Kenneth Olson hit the motherload when he convinced a patient she had 120 separate personalities. And these weren't all just sissy personalities like "sociopathic killer" or "sexually promiscuous narcoleptic," either. She also had the personalities of a duck and the devil. Please take a moment to figure out which one you personally feel is more fucked up.
The doctor also admitted to having performed an exorcism on her, a course of treatment he thought necessary based on his diagnosis that she was a bride of Satan after having been ritually raped by upwards to 70 men and animals. After watching several reruns of Frasier, we're fairly confident this sort of mental health diagnosis is very rare.
Faced with the daunting task of treating so many personalities, and lord knows duck psychiatry is a niche market, Dr. Olson did what any irresponsible doctor would: He charged all 120 for treatment and billed Blue Cross for $300,000. Inexplicably, after this, and performing an exorcism on the woman, the good doctor ended up in court where she won a $2.4 million settlement against him. However, if you feel yourself being tormented by devil ducks any time soon, Dr. Olsen still has a practice in Montana and will likely be happy to see to your mental health needs.
#2. Screwdriver Spine
Look, we all admire MacGuyver. And we hope that when faced with some impossible situation in the future, we'll be able to cobble together a nice solution out of random shit we have lying around.
But you know who you probably don't want doing that kind of on-the-fly improvisation? The surgeon who's working on your spine. That's one case where you'd pretty much like them to have that shit planned out ahead of time, in some detail.
In 2001, Arturo Iturralde was supposed to have a pair of titanium rods installed in his back (perhaps as part of a slow transition into cyborg assassin). However, once his back was flopping wide open on the table, Iturralde's surgeon noticed that the rods were missing. Using quick thinking, the surgeon used the next best thing he could find: a screwdriver.
After a quick hacksaw job to cut off the handle (because, you know, the handle part isn't medically sound) he jammed the tool in Iturralde's back, presumably with a handful of finishing nails and some copper wire. Unsurprisingly, Sears doesn't make their screwdrivers medical grade and it snapped a few days later, forcing Iturralde to endure several more surgeries.
The end result was the doctor and the hospital being on the hook for $5.6 million. Really, it sucks that the hospital had to pay, because how could they have known? Oh, wait, because the guy had already had his license suspended in two other states.
#1.Dr. Batshit
Donald Dudley claimed to be a doctor. He also claimed to be a member of the CIA and someone who controlled the entire world, which you will recognize as impeccable credentials if you are crazy. Since Dudley was himself crazier than a shithouse rat, he and his imaginary position with the CIA made him capable of treating a 30-year-old autistic man named Stephen Drummond who had a seizure disorder.
As you might expect, part of his new therapy at the hands of Dudley was to get injected with sodium amytal, have part of his brain erased through the use of hypnotic suggestion and drugs that made him psychotic and delusional. That's just good old fashioned imaginary CIA doctoring right there.
But Dudley really set himself apart when he used his influence over Drummond to train him to be part of the doctor's army that would one day take over all the schools, hospitals and police. Likely this last part was not covered by insurance.
Dudley, whose medical license had been suspended after he was diagnosed as bipolar some years earlier, apparently had a long list of "experimental" treatments on his resume. He once instructed a patient with chronic fatigue syndrome to use martial arts and guns to relax. He was also once found by police in a hotel room with a 15-year-old boy and a small arsenal of guns. Oh, and he believed he was from another planet.
The doctor died (or went back to his home planet) before he could be brought to trial for his malpractice. However insurance ended up paying $2 million to Drummond's family. Meanwhile, somewhere out there an army of rain men and really sleepy ninjas await word from their master to storm local hospitals.
The list needs no commentary from me, the original is better than I could have come up with. So, without further adieu...
-----------------------------------
The 6 Most Terrifying Medical Malpractice Cases Ever
By Ian Fortey June 4, 2009 11,420 views
Any trip to the doctor's office involves a fairly straightforward trade off: you hand over your personal safety to the guy who went to school for eight years, and they fix something that you wouldn't have the first clue how to do yourself. But as in every profession, some doctors are better than others, and even good doctors have bad days.
And then, there are those doctors who go out of their way to find creative ways to make the world a terrifying place.
#6. "Sir, I'm afraid we inadvertently obliterated your penis."
A patient named William Morrison underwent a screening that required his penis be washed in a solution of three to five percent acetic acid. Sure, just typing the words "acid" and "penis" in the same sentence makes us cringe. But that doesn't mean anything could possibly go wrong there, right? Hell, a three to five percent solution probably feels kind of tingly and refreshing, like when you wash your sack in a bowl of ginger ale.
When it came time actually wash his wang, however, Mr. Morrison got a 72 percent solution, which is a little more like having your dick immersed in a piranha's mouth, after it's been drinking 72 percent acid.
But that's a one-in-a-million scenario, right? Surely health care professionals normally take way more care when a man's dong is on the line.
Not in the case of Mexican doctor, Francisco Javier Valentin y Ortiz who, despite having a wicked matador name, was not great with sharp objects, and cut off a patient's penis during a routine circumcision. We like to think Dr. Ortiz muttered "Oh geez," scratched his head then tried to put the severed penis into the patient's ballsack, kind of like a tulip in a vase, in the hopes the guy wouldn't notice.
But those two are cases are only runners up in the medical world's penis mutilation Olympics. Our gold medalist is Romanian doctor, Naum Ciomu. He separated himself from the pack when he was performing an operation to correct some poor dude's weird, bulgy nutsack. Due to the various stresses of being a guy who has to perform delicate surgeries on weird, bulgy nutsacks all day, he lost his shit and cut off the patient's dick with a scalpel, put it on the operating table and furiously hacked it into tiny pieces in front of the nursing staff. They were apparently too busy trying to think of a more succinct way to say "What the fuck is going on?" to stop him.
Ciomu said he had a temporary loss of judgment, due to some personal problems. You know, kind of like how you get really mad sometimes and punch a wall. It was like that, only he hacked a man's penis to confetti. He ended up having his license suspended and he was ordered to pay the patient 120,000 pounds while the patient got a shiny new non-functional wang made from arm skin.
#5. Sexual Healing
Mental health can be a tricky subject. For instance, if you see a psychiatrist, the first task is making sure they're not crazier than you are. One way to tell is if the psychiatrist, for instance, demands that you start calling them "mother."
Which brings us to Harvard Medical School psychiatrist, Margaret Bean-Bayog, whose last name is lesser known slang for burrito-induced Montezuma's revenge. She was treating a student at the school who came to her because he was feeling lonely. According to the good doctor, the patient had suffered severe childhood abuse and was now hooked on drugs and alcohol as well as dealing with overwhelming anxiety, rage and sociopathic tendencies. That was strange, because no previous doctor had managed to detect any of these things in the poor kid.
The course of treatment was exactly what you'd suspect given the young man's poor mental health: several thousand pages of sadomasochistic fantasies written by the doctor, and an extensive effort to brainwash him into believing he was a child and that the doctor was his mother.
The doctor wrote flash cards for her patient with instructions to read them 10 times a day until he believed them, chock full of important mental health slogans like "I'm your Mom and I love you and you love me very very much." Presumably other cards read "Fill you anus with applesauce and learn kung fu" and "Every episode of House follows the same pattern... because of Jews."
Hey, did we mention that the rest of her medical advice amounted to "let me use your boner like a carnival ride"?
The patient's family filed suit against the doctor after the patient killed himself. And while the doctor conceded her treatment was "unconventional," she denied she did anything wrong. Presumably she then shat in a coffee cup and accused it of spying on her.
#4. Vagina Reconstruction, of the Involuntary Variety
If a doctor ever promises to turn you and others into "horny little mice," you should probably just go home and take some Tylenol instead of spending any additional time with him. However, it seems a lot of people turned a blind eye to Dr. James Burt for a number of years, allowing him to perform reconstructive surgery on women's vaginas--which probably sounds like a perfectly normal thing for a doctor to do... until you realize the women didn't ask him to do it.
Burt even wrote a book called The Surgery of Love, in 1975, about the operations he performed on many women--without their consent. He was at least thoughtful enough to do it after the birth of children so he could explain away the stitches as a result of the delivery.
While he had them on the table he would tinker around with their anatomy, removing some things, even repositioning the vagina, urethra and alter the walls between the vagina and rectum in order to "increase sexual responsiveness." Again, why no one stopped him while he was cutting and probably muttering things like, "you're welcome, Mommy" is anyone's guess. Apparently if you're wearing surgical scrubs everybody just assumes you're on the level.
More often than not, the unwanted surgeries caused extensive damages and required additional surgeries to correct the problems. Twelve malpractice suits against the doctor were dropped over the years when other doctors he worked with refused to testify against him, presumably convincing the man his Frankenvaginas were totally kosher.
It's claimed he performed the procedure on around 2,000 women and when the Ohio State Medical Board finally caught up with him, they made him voluntarily surrender his license , a punishment which is known in legal circles as "bullshit."
#3. Group Therapy for 120 Personalities
If you're a Hollywood screenwriter, or a horrible, horrible doctor, the most convenient of all mental disorders is multiple personality disorder. In Wisconsin, psychiatrist Kenneth Olson hit the motherload when he convinced a patient she had 120 separate personalities. And these weren't all just sissy personalities like "sociopathic killer" or "sexually promiscuous narcoleptic," either. She also had the personalities of a duck and the devil. Please take a moment to figure out which one you personally feel is more fucked up.
The doctor also admitted to having performed an exorcism on her, a course of treatment he thought necessary based on his diagnosis that she was a bride of Satan after having been ritually raped by upwards to 70 men and animals. After watching several reruns of Frasier, we're fairly confident this sort of mental health diagnosis is very rare.
Faced with the daunting task of treating so many personalities, and lord knows duck psychiatry is a niche market, Dr. Olson did what any irresponsible doctor would: He charged all 120 for treatment and billed Blue Cross for $300,000. Inexplicably, after this, and performing an exorcism on the woman, the good doctor ended up in court where she won a $2.4 million settlement against him. However, if you feel yourself being tormented by devil ducks any time soon, Dr. Olsen still has a practice in Montana and will likely be happy to see to your mental health needs.
#2. Screwdriver Spine
Look, we all admire MacGuyver. And we hope that when faced with some impossible situation in the future, we'll be able to cobble together a nice solution out of random shit we have lying around.
But you know who you probably don't want doing that kind of on-the-fly improvisation? The surgeon who's working on your spine. That's one case where you'd pretty much like them to have that shit planned out ahead of time, in some detail.
In 2001, Arturo Iturralde was supposed to have a pair of titanium rods installed in his back (perhaps as part of a slow transition into cyborg assassin). However, once his back was flopping wide open on the table, Iturralde's surgeon noticed that the rods were missing. Using quick thinking, the surgeon used the next best thing he could find: a screwdriver.
After a quick hacksaw job to cut off the handle (because, you know, the handle part isn't medically sound) he jammed the tool in Iturralde's back, presumably with a handful of finishing nails and some copper wire. Unsurprisingly, Sears doesn't make their screwdrivers medical grade and it snapped a few days later, forcing Iturralde to endure several more surgeries.
The end result was the doctor and the hospital being on the hook for $5.6 million. Really, it sucks that the hospital had to pay, because how could they have known? Oh, wait, because the guy had already had his license suspended in two other states.
#1.Dr. Batshit
Donald Dudley claimed to be a doctor. He also claimed to be a member of the CIA and someone who controlled the entire world, which you will recognize as impeccable credentials if you are crazy. Since Dudley was himself crazier than a shithouse rat, he and his imaginary position with the CIA made him capable of treating a 30-year-old autistic man named Stephen Drummond who had a seizure disorder.
As you might expect, part of his new therapy at the hands of Dudley was to get injected with sodium amytal, have part of his brain erased through the use of hypnotic suggestion and drugs that made him psychotic and delusional. That's just good old fashioned imaginary CIA doctoring right there.
But Dudley really set himself apart when he used his influence over Drummond to train him to be part of the doctor's army that would one day take over all the schools, hospitals and police. Likely this last part was not covered by insurance.
Dudley, whose medical license had been suspended after he was diagnosed as bipolar some years earlier, apparently had a long list of "experimental" treatments on his resume. He once instructed a patient with chronic fatigue syndrome to use martial arts and guns to relax. He was also once found by police in a hotel room with a 15-year-old boy and a small arsenal of guns. Oh, and he believed he was from another planet.
The doctor died (or went back to his home planet) before he could be brought to trial for his malpractice. However insurance ended up paying $2 million to Drummond's family. Meanwhile, somewhere out there an army of rain men and really sleepy ninjas await word from their master to storm local hospitals.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
This day in history....
Have you ever wondered what your great great grand parents thought about you?
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